05.05.09
Posted in General at 1:25 am by Nick
Tonight was an interesting one. As 10pm rolled around I began to yawn and realized if I didn’t go running now it wasn’t going to happen tonight. I got up, dressed in my running attire, told Dan not to lock the door and embarked on what would prove to be one of the more challenging runs I’ve faced.
Things started off well. I listen to the Couch to 5k podcasts and use them to follow the running program outlined at this site. I pulled up the podcast and walked briskly trying to loosen up, and perhaps wake up as well. I felt good and decided to run what I considered a medium intensity route near my apartment. As I progressed and began my first running interval, the cool night wind rushing over my face and through my hair, I realized that yesterday I had made one very awful choice.
You see, Dan, John, Danny, and I have all been playing racquetball every Sunday and Wednesday night. This is great fun and extremely good exercise. I have enjoyed the camaraderie and variety it adds to my week in many ways. Best of all, it forces me to use muscles that are not used during other exercises. This has led to a lot of mild leg soreness to which I am not accustomed, though I relish it to a certain extent. It is in this that the awful choice was made. Due to our tight schedule and my lack of attention I did not stretch fully before playing, and I did not stretch at all afterward.
I am not sure about other seasoned runners, but this is something I know to be true of myself. With stretches before and after and warm-up and cooldown walks I rarely, if ever, have leg pain during or after running (granted I currently run small distances, 2-3 miles). However, due to my decision (or lack thereof) last night to avoid stretching I endured very agonizing tightness and calf pain during my run, as well as some pain in my knees.
Calf pain turns what is one of my more enjoyable forms of exercise into an absolute chore. I choose to run; if it hurts, I either give up or I run with pain. After the first interval was done I told myself giving up because of a little leg pain wasn’t an option, and the calf pain would likely work itself out. The second interval came and went, only this time I was running uphill (and would be for the next four intervals). Nothing changed. Each and every step started to hurt. Even walks between intervals became painful.
And so it came to another choice. No one was making me run, and obviously enduring pain is not enjoyable. I could quit if I wanted; no one would fault me. It was then I recalled something my mother once talked to me about. On a ride across town we talked about achieving a bad grade (to which I said was absolutely unacceptable) and she replied that it was acceptable, and even likely over the course of an academic career. No one is perfect and neither are their grades. But, as she aptly pointed out, I was my harshest critic. No one is going to reprimand me in any way that is more meaningful then the choices and actions I can and will inflict upon myself to solve certain problems and achieve certain results.
My mind began to wander back to my training days for Army ROTC and the emotional hardening I have sustained over the past several years. I remembered how hard I pushed when I was in ROTC. I remembered that with each step, and the pain that came with it, I was one step closer to a glorious victory walk home (as opposed to a quiet, self-loathing walk of defeat). I remembered how, when pushing, physical pain was really just an inconvenience and nothing more. My pace quickened. My strides grew longer. Each new step brought pain, but I only pushed more. Pain can be overcome. It can be conquered. I continued to run; I stopped counting the intervals. Built up angst was combined with explosive determination as I let my mind analyze more pressing issues then the pain I was experiencing in my in my calf. My mind became unaware of the pain and the duration of the run, instead embarking on its own interesting adventure into the metaphysical realm.
The choice to not only continue, but to continue with a redoubled effort is a theme of my life. Constantly I have believed there is nothing I can’t do; if I fail I must merely try harder. Bringing that mentality to things is almost always helpful (although it can certainly be a hindrance sometimes). My progress is not always visible to others, nor is it visible in my academics currently. However, I am amazed with the progress I have made in recent months. And it is that amazement that I value so highly, because such praise does not come easy.
As I walked back home after the run, completing the entire medium intensity circuit despite the pain, I was overwhelmed with a sense of accomplishment. As I often do on, I thought back to a mere year or two ago. I always feel like I was just a kid back then. If only I knew then what I know now. Every year my ambition grows with my determination, my resolution is constantly refined and my goals become absolute. I have stopped dreaming and worrying about independent events, but have instead assembled the larger picture into a future I enjoy thinking about and a life I enjoy living.
I realized this was my zen; this was my nirvana. For a brief time, I was at peace. In that moment I was invincible. The world was mine for the taking; nothing was unachievable. The ambition was rivaled only by content and happiness. I am happy with where I am and who I am. Things aren’t perfect, but the things I want answers to are answered. Ambiguities have been resolved and the things I wanted plans for have been planned. The questions that remain are simple ones that my mind can toy with or ignore. I am comfortable with these unanswered questions, and interested in watching some of them evolve.
The choices we make are not always easy or correct, but determination and perseverance will always lead to progress in one way or another. Sometimes, you just need to go for it.
What a ride this life is.
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04.06.09
Posted in General at 1:05 am by Nick
I would say it isn’t typical to get snow in April, but we did indeed get snow about this time last year. I remember well as the snow came down on my birthday (April 12th) which is now just around the bend. That said, it was kind of fun to have a blizzard today. It gave me a reason to putz around and be a little lazy.
After many intense weeks of “GO GO GO” action it has been great recently to take some time to reflect on things. I’ve noted that this a part of my personality I should be devoting more time to and I will continue to do so. After doing the StengthsFinder survey at work and doing another personality test (INFJ) I’ve adopted a few ways that help me keep myself in top mental shape. Giving new information time to sink into my brain and allowing my brain to analyze information has proven to be of great benefit. I’ve known this in the past, but I never really thought about taking time for myself. I’ve experienced a huge mental shift over the past few months from worry about everything and everyone to just worrying about myself. I’m not of much help to anyone if I’m tired, depressed, stressed out, or unhealthly. Thus, I’ve realized the best way to help other people is to help myself first.
Ever since winter break (the last post) I have had a good routine. I go to bed on time (a little off tonight! 
) and get a full nights rest. I wake up feeling energetic and refreshed. It is no longer incredibly hard to climb out of bed. I used to live every day with a huge mental fog weighing me down, complicating and degrading my life. By simplifying my life and removing stress I have lifted the fog, and now I am able to function (perhaps with excess energy most days) from early morning to late at night, in which I’m quite tired at a reasonable hour and able to sleep pretty well. I’ve never felt more productive.
I can honestly say this is the best I’ve felt in years. Due to the new Wellness Program at work I am super charged about being a healthier individual, and I already know all of the benefits that come with it. It boggles my mind that this feeling of well being will get even better! I’m incredibly determined and I don’t mind the work it takes to lose weight (in fact, I revel in it), so I’m excited to continue building it into my schedule. There is enough time in the program to perhaps even prepare for a 10k which as interesting thought.
Anywho, I will work on updating this a bit more. I have a lot of things I would love to write about, so hopefully I can get my blogging back into gear.
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12.22.08
Posted in General at 3:23 am by Nick
Snow! It arrived pretty suddenly, and what a ride this winter has already been! It was fun being snowed in and just chilling for a few days. Granted, snow blowing in -8 degrees (-35 with windchill) wasn’t much fun, but it was also nice to be outside enjoying the snow.
These past few weeks have been incredible. Doing work and school was causing enough stress to make me want to pull my hair out. I took time off of work for finals and school resolved itself, and I’ve been having a fantastic time just living a bit. Catching up with friends, eating food, being out and about. It has worked wonders for my mental state. I’m not quite sure what things will be like when I resume the stress of things when break is over, but luckily that isn’t for a few weeks. I was surprised that with the heavy reduction in stress I actually returned to a state of happiness. Sure, I’m a bit worried about finances of next semeser and what my GPA will look like after last semester, but as Paul would say, “it is what it is.” Stressing about these things won’t change them, so I might as well as relax and focus my efforts on a better future. A big boost in morale came from monster.com too when I found that many companies were calling me and what not for interviews even though I don’t have a degree, which makes me feel better about my chances if school does fall through.
I’m still deciding what should be done. I don’t know if I can do a full time co-op next semester, but if I can’t I think I will be taking the semester off from work. I think I’ll be able to do well in school if I don’t have to work so much, but I really can’t take time off of work unless something changes financially. My brother will be moving here, so my financial burden may be less stressful and thus I may actually be able to swing not working, but it remains to be seen how much financial support I’ll get next semester.
But, for the time being, I’m just going to ride this emotional high and hope it lasts until the end of break.
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11.17.08
Posted in General, Thoughts at 8:26 am by Nick
A lazy Sunday afternoon and night have now followed the normal shift into Monday morning. I knew full well that staying up all night was in the cards when I set no alarm going to sleep at 5am Sunday morning.Ah, that is what I had already done for the basic training; I wasn’t sure why it would be reiterated in the advanced training. But this is good news, as it means I have completed the advanced training as well.
While not the most productive of hours, I feel happy and relieved I made it through the entire anime known as Ergo Proxy. My brother did hail it as a great show, and I figured it was probably like several others where I needed to devote a significant time block to it. The disks had sat near my TV, teasing me for a few months now. Now I have watched all of them, and I can honestly say it was the second best anime I’ve ever seen. That may not mean too much since I am not a frequent anime watcher. I prefer to only watch the deeper and well written shows that focus on psychology and mentality, such as the two mentioned below.
It is very rare that anything seen on a television screen can provoke not only emotion, but true thought as well. Nearly every episode sported notes to explain some of the more central (and usually more complicated) parts of the episode you just watched. Something that got an extremely brief mention or glimpse for seconds in the show might well receive a nice large paragraph to explain it at the end. This was interesting because many of the concepts covered may not relate directly to the show, but to the Ergo Proxy writer’s allusions. This had me not only interested in the show, but I was always eager to hit the end of an episode to see what kind of information I might receive.
The show tracks three main characters as they venture on a seemingly typical anime type journey for an amnesia-ridden male to rediscover his past. However, the technological twists are very interesting in this show. The characters hail from a dome world utopia where everything is efficient and perfect. The dome is supposedly the only safe place in some sort of post-apocalyptic world. Things run amok as powerful unknown beings know was Proxy’s start to appear and the government of the dome world tries to hide their existence. Later, the characters are troubled not only by the knowledge that there is a world outside the dome, but that it is, in fact, remotely inhabited by humans. The main character, Vincent, attempts a trek across the world to see if he can find his memories in his birth place, a now ruined dome. It is later revealed that the dome world the characters hail from destroyed Vincent’s home town in a bout of revenge for some ambiguous wrong doing. Later, the eccentric and seemingly insane security chief of the dome world launches a thermonuclear missile when he is stripped of power in an attempt to eradicate the ruins the characters seek to find.
Perhaps the most interesting thing about the series is the revealing of several Proxy’s and the story behind them. As the world was destroyed (presumably by humans), “the Creators” sought to remake the world. They created Proxy’s, whose sole purpose was to rebuild the world as it healed from the previous destruction. The result is that the Proxy’s are essential God figures. Much to the dismay of most Proxy’s, they find that humans are ill-natured beings who are truly only capable of chaos and destruction. As the Proxy’s experience these failures they begin to begrudge their own existence, hating the Creators. They later realize that without souls they would have never been able to experience the love, hate, betrayal, and other feelings of their creations.
This anime comes in second to Ghost in the Shell: Stand Alone Complex/GITS:SAC 2nd Gig and the movies associated with the series (I’m clumping them into one large mass). I’ve never done more personal research or been more intrigued by anything. The show takes place in a near future cyberpunk Japan when most people have cyber brains that allow them to hook up to the net. Many of the characters in the ensemble cast have high performance prosthetic enhancements. The Major, who would be the main character of the show if it had just one, has a fully prosthetic body. This show brings up many interesting points, such as how society would function if people were literally connected to the net, the new crimes that might ensue (cyber brain hacking), and the definition of what it means to be human. The show is extremely complex, well drawn, action packed and technological. Every topic, case, and conversation is interesting and each episode is fun to watch. It is, perhaps, the best animated thing a nerd could ever watch.
The name of the show envelops the proposed answer to the question of what is human. While a person’s body may be fake, you cannot fake the soul, or “ghost”. Each ghost is unique and completely unable to be duplicated or produced. Thus, even though the Major has a fake body and her brain can (and does) get switched to other bodies, it is her ghost that remains intact. So even though they may have advanced AI machinery (such as the thinking, spider-like tanks they use throughout the shows, knows as Tachikomas), none of them can technically be living because to live essentially means to possess a ghost, which you can only obtain through life’s standard processes. This is why ghost hacking is such an important issue, because it is tampering with the very human nature of people. Imagine a world so connected that people from across the globe could delete your memories, hack what your own eyes were seeing, or even delete your ghost (which would kill you).
Interestingly enough, the Tachikoma’s programmed curiosity and linking capabilities allowed what was supposed to be a group of identical machinery to evolve different personality traits. There is an entire episode where the tanks consider some of the greater questions of life: why they have evolved the way they have, and how each one “feels” about certain topics and outcomes. Eventually the Tachikoma’s are credited with having evolved their own ghosts due to their epic self-sacrificing gestures: first, leaving their jobs in the civilian sector after they were decommissioned to sacrifice their own physical beings to save Batou and the Major, and second, for crashing the satellite that contained their AI to prevent a nuclear detonation, which, in turn, stopped a potential war and saved the lives of their beloved coworkers.
Now, before my words and thoughts escape my rattling brain, I plan to have a flurry of posts discussing some of the topics brought up by these shows. They won’t have anything to do with anime, merely the content and thoughts proposed that I have found so interesting.
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10.23.08
Posted in General at 1:53 am by Nick
Alas, it has been a while for an update. Often times at work or while I’m walking on campus I come across topics I would like to talk about, and yet most nights I can’t bring myself to do anything at my computer. I’m not sure why, but I don’t play games. I don’t instant message. I don’t even Facebook anymore. This past summer broke those habits, and though I am not at my computer as much I pay for not being as connected and e-social as I once was.
I dropped two of my classes. One was in the works since the beginning of the semester (unfortunately, it was also one of my most interesting classes), and the other was a lecture class I really did like to attend. With my flaky performance and attendance record (not to mention family and health problems), I decided I needed to minimize the damage to my GPA. I figured I would redouble my efforts in my remaining classes, but so far I have done so with lackluster results.
I am extremely disappointed in myself. I know I’m better then this. I know I’m smarter then the grades I am getting. And I know I can do more. I hate saying things like that because I don’t like to wallow in self pity or make excuses. I’m not doing well, and I need to fix it. It is as simple as that. And yet I can’t help but feel there is something more inherent, yet intangible and elusive, that needs fixing. I don’t know what that is, but I wish I could find out. I went into this week extremely energetic and excited to try and turn things around, and here it is 2am Thursday and I can’t get anything done.
I thought maybe it was my ambition. Where did my ambition go? I used to have such academic zeal. I later realized I have plenty of ambition, it just so happens that none of it lies with school. I want to learn to play the guitar and the piano. I want to go skydiving and learn to fly a plane. I want to write code and find a good job. I want to invest in stocks, plan finances, and work towards retirement.
While the end justifies the means for school, I can’t help but feel I could be learning more faster if I did more work on my own. The academic bullshit of college drives me nuts. True learning isn’t about tests, quiz’s, or even homework. It is about learning and understanding concepts that you can apply elsewhere. Thus, what good is it for me to work on a programming assignment for six hours when I know none of the code I wrote will be useful elsewhere? Perhaps this is why I am doing well in my Bio lab. It is one hour a week, and it is about applying our biological knowledge to various situations.
My summer internship played a role in breaking me. To be told that I’m good enough (or better) to do a job, but be denied that opportunity because I lack a stamped piece of paper is immensely frustrating to me. I understand what a degree represents, but I also feel like an active demonstration of abilities should count for more. In job adds I always see lines saying they’ll accept a mix between education and experience… why don’t I fit into that category? I think it was also the best learning experience I had. I would wager I learned more during my time at Lockheed then I will have learned over most of college. I’m not going to get that real world hands on experience in an academic setting.
If dropping to part time (which I’m not happy about) doesn’t change things then I’m going to have to make a more drastic move. I have given a lot of thought to joining the Air Force. The only disadvantage I can see is being away from family, which is part of this stage in life anyway. Worst case I would end up back in this situation a few years from now with more money and better experience. In a good scenario I could obtain my degree for relatively little and then find a job, or better yet, get promoted to officer and serve my time. This is attractive to me for many reasons. I have felt a strong connection with the military, and it is something I do actually want to be part of. I think it is something everyone my age should be a part of. It helps teach discipline, work ethic, management and a healthy life style. All of those are things that are lacking from most people in my age group, and to me it merely isn’t enough to obtain those skills by meandering through life. If I were to accept a commission and serve my twenty years, I’d be forty and I would be able to decide what career I would like to have while maintaining a certain degree of financial stability that is impossible to find elsewhere. Overall, if by around this time next year I still feel this way with my mitigating changes, I will probably enlist.
I know I had more to say on everything that has been running through my mind, but it is late and I will go to sleep. Perhaps I will expand this another time.
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Posted in Computer Science, General at 1:47 am by Nick
Moving my help sessions to Tuesday’s has made a big impact! I was happy to be approached for programming help almost immediately of my sitting down .
I went over my own time limit helping three students, so I’m curious how many will start showing up for more advanced help. It was wonderful to talk with some students about programming in a very non-academic setting. A setting where everyone could be perfectly honest and not feel bashful if they didn’t understand something simple. It is this candid setting I have wanted to promote for some time now. Students will learn better when the material becomes more relevant to them and they are able to be brutally honest about how they view it.
Interestingly enough, all three students were non-CS majors. I’m not entirely sure what that means overall. They are taking a class they don’t need -AND- they are seeking help outside of class hours. That alone is unusual. We also discussed all the concepts on paper and each student hand wrote their own notes, which was surprising to me as well. Overall I left feeling not only accomplished, but impressed. I hope these students return and more follow their example. I think it would help alleviate much of the frustration and anxiety many of them feel about the class.
That said, I was also pretty happy that we went through and wrote a program off the top of our heads. I didn’t write anything out ahead of time, so I was discovering how to solve the homework problem as they were. I think it was helpful for them to see how someone who has more experience thinks through the process and makes changes to the design as the program progressed. They expressed that they understand the concepts of what to do for the homework, but that initial leap into writing it out is whats so challenging. And I agree, it is hard to take idea’s out of your head and phrase them in a way a computer understands, which is why CS majors get the big bucks.
When all was done and I typed the program I came up with into my computer it also worked as intended (minus a few syntax errors), which is always a plus. I would hate to give them an example that I thought would work only to lead them astray. I think that next week, if the students aren’t pressed for time, I’ll try a more Socratic approach and see if they can come up with the ideas for each step.
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10.13.08
Posted in General at 2:42 pm by Nick
Do you think the United States will lose its position as the world’s financial superpower?
This was a question posted at CNN.com. It was very interesting to sit and consider, so this was my response.
With the growth around the world, losing our financial superpower status was inevitable and happened long ago. It isn’t a bad thing, it is just fate. In economics it is known as the Catch-up Effect. We can’t sit alone at the top forever, and it shouldn’t be our goal to do so.
In my opinion, this crisis has changed nothing with respect to our financial standing or leadership. We will always be a strong influence, but we don’t make all the rules or control everything. What is happening now is the economy resetting itself after a bubble burst, and it is entirely normal for the economy to do so. The economy cooling off after a hot run is a painful process where people lose money, which is why everyone is freaking out. When the process is complete, the market will be back to it’s normal levels where it -should- have been during the bubble.
Company’s that do bad business will (and probably deserve to) get hurt. The only difference now is that those businesses are financial and everyone is crying because they are watching their 401k’s disappear. While severely unfortunate, this is the nature of the stock market. You may gain big or lose big. It is the privilege we pay for. If you don’t want to lose your money, tuck it under the mattress, but realize retirement may not be very easy.
As a side note, this was posted as a comment and I found it highly amusing:
A Pledge for Our Times (2008)
I plead collusion to the fraud of the United Socialist States of Amnesia and to the recession for which it stands, one Notion under Debt, unforgiveable, with sub-primes and bailouts for All.
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08.28.08
Posted in General at 3:18 am by Nick
I returned from Eagan late Thursday night a mere week ago, thinking of nothing other then how I felt like I blew my presentation. A few quick days passed and now, to my surprise, it is nearly the end of the first week of classes. I’ve been getting plenty of sleep, so it is strange that I am still awake at 3am. Perhaps it is the rain I am listening to. It reminds me of the planes that used to fly over my house in Eagan.
These past few days have been a great time for reflection. I’ve finally had some time to lay down, think, and rest. Despite the rigorous nature of working and going to classes, it is refreshing to embark upon the journey yet again. I hope, like every year, that this one will be better then the past few. I feel that I have set myself up in a much better position this year, despite some obvious obstacles (such as my incomplete). Working less this year will help significantly, though I’ve just been informed two of our four technicians are graduating at the end of this semester. Plus, David is becoming increasingly adamant about an entrepreneurial opportunity, which is a very exciting prospect. But how does it all fit together?
There is a lot to consider over this next year as well. Transferring to the University of Minnesota is on the table, as is finding a full time job and being done with college. Yet I wanted to partake in NaNoWriMo and really get it done this year, and I wanted to spend some time working on my own coding projects. But is there any downtime in there to allow for relaxing, game playing, socializing, or even dating? I fear I’m digging too big of a hole to accomplish as much as I would like.
It is interesting that, with school starting up again, I feel this lonely. There are many people, and truly I am socializing plenty. But going to campus is a constant reminder of the life I lived last year. One short year and being in a relationship has embedded itself into the fabric that makes up who I am, and that scares me. I miss the cuddling, the talking, the routine tasks. I miss the comfort that there would be someone there when I come home at the end of the day. Instead, I come home to an apartment that is still covered in dust, like it was abandoned. I have dishes, homework, and plenty of things to do that don’t even involve anyone. On one hand it is disconcerting to be this lonely, but on the other I can’t help but feel I am certainly being more productive. The question is, is it better to get less done and be happy spending time with someone then to be more productive and spend less time with anyone?
As an aside, somehow my computer managed to blow it’s motherboard. I’m not really sure what caused it (my suspicion is the northbridge was too hot), but it is very unfortunate. I sat down to research what upgrades I might like to make and I realized I’d basically built another computer with many of the things I’d been tossing around in my head (SLI video cards, three monitors, better air flow, etc). Thus, I have opted to merely fix my computer for the time being and I’ll work towards gathering parts for a water cooled, more modern and desirable computer I plan to build next summer. Despite this, I decided to grab a new power supply along with my new motherboard, so I spent four hours taking apart my computer, cutting off the zip ties, and rerouting every single cable. I didn’t even do that when I originally put it together because many of the cables were routed from Dan’s previous setup. It was really nice to dig in and do a task, start to finish, with my hands (not to mention one I’ve wanted to do for a long time now). All of these little things, like doing dishes, picking up, cleaning, cooking… they are all helping me remember why I like this life. I have my own place with my own stuff in which I can spend my time. There is a visible and tangible result to these small actions, so it is very rewarding for me to spend my time doing these things every day. It helps keep me focused and sane.
I also found out my financial aid got mailed to Minnesota. It is kind of amusing (as was that my first paycheck from LM got mailed to Iowa), but mostly irritating. My money seems to be flowing constantly from my pockets. My yearly payment for hosting is due the end of the week, as is rent. I need a host of clothes, cleaning supplies, probably a new wireless router, and now these computer parts. Plus I finally took the plunge and got my textbooks and, at long last, replaced my DVD player with a PS3 (which I had to visit 8 stores to get the one that would play PS2 games). Thus, my bills are mounting, and yet I can only think about getting a new car and/or building a new computer.
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06.21.08
Posted in General, Thoughts at 2:36 am by Nick
Why does this always happen?
It has been many months. Almost a year, actually, since it has ever been like this. Not since I lived with the guys. Dwayne and I used to sit out on the porch for entire nights just talking. I’d go on walks with Paul and discuss things. I’d go on midnight walks with Lisa, and sometimes we would bring other people. And we would actually talk about meaningful things. But that all went away…
Tell me, is it true that it is better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all? To have a taste of love is enchanting, and enlightening. But no one tells you that you can’t go back. You will miss it if it goes. If you never love at all you can’t miss it, but you don’t know how to fill that void within you.
I’ve wondered what I will miss the most. It hits me hard every time I go to McDonalds or Panera, and every time I talk to my coworkers. The evidence is everywhere. I may miss being in a relationship and having someone to hold onto, but there is something I miss more, and it takes me by surprise quite often. I miss being a dad. I miss doing stuff as a small family unit. Sure, it isn’t always fun, but its hard to find that type of satisfaction anywhere else. I will miss the little kids growing up around me. I will miss watching them learn new things. I will miss laughing and playing with them. It is yet another example of me rushing into life and being completely disappointed when it doesn’t move as fast as I would like. I have a feeling my own dad often feels this way, and this knowledge makes me deeply hurt and sad. Time only moves one direction, and thus, we move away more and more.
With that comes another realization: the faster I move the faster I get towards the end of the line. Back when school was in session I had a freshman ask me how I knew so much more then him even though we were the same age. I proceeded to tell him it was a difference of time, priority, and life events. As I think more and more, I realize the advice I give is only applicable to people like myself. I may tout many ways to get ahead in financial security, college, or other future goals, but what am I sacrificing? I know now that I would sacrifice my knowledge if it would send me back in time and give me a normal life these past few years. Talking with the other interns only makes me realize how much I have truly missed out on life in many respects.
I can’t help but wonder constantly now. It has been a while since I’ve been this curious and this thoughtful. Three hundred sixty three days together. And now… now its all over. What’s more is that the decision was made while I’m two hundred miles away from home, three hundred away from family, and isolated in a new town with a new job.
It occurred to me when I decided to buy some cigarillos and take them up to my watching post in the park – I am far along the journey back to who I used to be. Shifting from ENFJ to INTJ, the need to make sense out of everything… I don’t know if that is good or bad. I can’t help but feel that even though I am in the midst of civilization, with large towns on the horizon, people of all backgrounds and races coming and going over head, that I am alone here. There is no girl waiting for me back in Cedar Falls. There is no family there… just many friends who have slipped away in the steam of life. I have many friends at work, and a lot of resources to draw on, but when the work day is done I return to my home only to figure out what I should eat – alone. What I should do with my time – alone. I’ve never had so much time for myself.
I’m not complaining. It merely baffles me to have such a sudden abrupt change to my lifestyle. It’s the weekend and I’m at a loss. There is no computer for me to jump and check Facebook or other networking tools. I can’t call anyone to do anything. I’ve lost my interface with the world. I can sleep in, read, program, and explore. However, I don’t know where to go from here.
Something is missing. When feelings revert to this state it is obvious that something is missing. One stage of life has completed and another is beginning. I’m in transition from one meaningful experience to the next. I know this feeling. It is me being lost and losing my resolution of the future. It is me pondering existence and wondering what life will be like in a few years. Most importantly, it is me looking for something to fill this chasm I feel. I need to do something that means something to me. I’ve been thrust back into the wandering slipstream and I’m looking for something to hold on to. I watch so many people do so many great things, and I can’t help but want that as well.
I think, perhaps, when I get back to CF for good I will do two things. One, I will actively participate in more clubs. Computer Club sort of died last year, but I hope it will come about this year. I also hope to get more involved within the Economics Club. More importantly, I think I will get involved in the Big Brother, Big Sister mentor program (or its equivalent). I think it will help me evolve more as a person, and perhaps do someone else some good as well. And maybe, just maybe, it will satisfy my parental angst.
I do have some bigger decisions to make, however. I like it here, and it makes me wonder if I should work on completing my Computer Science degree as fast as possible. Dropping my second major would be a big deal, but it might be worth it. It is hard to say at this point. I’ve also considered transferring to the University of Minnesota, but that would never really happen. Most days I wish I could just work here full time and finish my degree eventually at the U of M.
Another day. Another dream.
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06.11.08
Posted in General at 9:18 pm by Nick
Wow. How time flies when you are working. I finally got onto the net and I already have to go. Here is a small recap before I’m booted from Panera.
Monday:
Orientation. I got there on time and with a full stomach, and thank goodness I did! I was moving, talking, and reading non stop the whole day (minus lunch). I got to meet my team mates, manager, and have a lot of orientation time with Wayne Dahmes (HR Manager). I am the last intern to join, so I was going through it all one on one, which made it far more interesting and amusing. I thoroughly enjoyed myself.
The only problem was the night before all of this. I had slept in too long on Sunday, and when it was around 11:30pm I was not tired. Instead, I was bursting with energy. I had put off running all weekend because I didn’t have the gear for it, but I had gone to Kohl’s and gotten shoes and what not. I went running (and walking ). I explored a lot. I did find a good spot in the park relatively close to where I live that I can go sit and the end. Its great. I got back around 1am and I still couldn’t sleep. I think I fell asleep around 2:30am, which left me very tired on my first day. Luckily Lockheed Martin is a pretty high energy and fast paced work environment (at least one day one).
When I got home I had planned on going out to buy more work clothes (because I felt far more dressy then I needed to be and because I didn’t have many things to wear). Instead I passed out and slept for four hours. I then woke up and decided it was time for food. I drove southwest of my residence to McDonalds. I decided to take a road to see where it led me and around 11:15 I realized I was twenty miles NORTH EAST of my residence, and I had found Verizon, which I couldn’t find when I was actually looking for it. I didn’t get back until 11:30pm or so, and again I went to bed late.
Tuesday/Wednesday
I was finally in enough of the system on Tuesday to learn about the fantastic learning experience of compliance training. LM requires every new hire/intern to take certain courses within their first week, two weeks, 30 days, etc. And this goes on for every employee for their entire time at the company. Wayne was telling me about the training he still had to do (some of it is renewable annually). I managed to get done with eight compliance training tests (which are easy, but time consuming and quite uninteresting). I’ve been lucky enough to be put under the wing of a co-worker, Paul. Each day has worked out to (roughly) having meetings in the morning and/or perusing the Common ARTS lab to learn things and get to know my team (Ricky and Paul anyway) and then in the afternoon I actually sit at my desk and do compliance training or various setup/required things.
Their computer system, while silly at times, is better then UNI’s in general. Your active directory password gets you into everything, and the TSS Portal (which gets you basically everywhere) is automatically known for your ID when you log in on the intranet. The only things that require other passwords are the timecard system and any passwords you require for lab machines / work assignments. Its wonderful not having one for email/web access, one for timecards and work functionality, one for my active directory (AD) work account, one for my AD school account, and probably others I’m forgetting.
I have also been lucky enough to start on a short week. Here in Eagan we have Flextime 9/80, meaning we choose our hours with our manager (I chose standard 8-5:30pm) and we work 9 hours, then we receive every other Friday off. I also found out we are payed weekly, which will greatly alleviate some financial burdens (I earn as much in one week as I used to during a whole month during school).
I’ve been getting more sleep. I’ve been eating more. I’ve been exercising. And, best of it all, I get up and look forward to working for the next nine hours! It is great fun, though the programming bit hasn’t really kicked in. The code surely is manageable, the only thing I’m worried about is learning the system enough to be a capable bug tracker, and then learning the CRAZY processes required for logging the errors. I think it will come together nicely.
I like it at Lockheed. Though this is still week one. But how can I dislike it when I get my first Friday all to myself? I don’t even know what I’ll do with myself…. laundry and other mundane things I suppose.
Well, hopefully I can stay awake long enough to drive home and crawl into the bed. I’ll try to update more this weekend.
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