09.27.09
Posted in General, Thoughts at 5:46 pm by Nick
Unlike most students, I enjoy the general education I am required to take at my university. This is because I am interested just about everything; I simply cannot have too much knowledge. This semester I am enrolled in one class I have been looking forward to for four years: Philosophy, The Art of Thinking.
I think given different circumstances I would do very well in the Philosophy program and would like having a degree in the field. The ideas behind philosophy fit well with my life — not just to question what we don’t know, but analyze and question what we do know. Is something right or wrong? I like to play devil’s advocate and just think about things from different viewpoints because I find it interesting and fascinating. Mental challenges like this can broaden your view and creativity, which is an absolute must in the world we live in today.
My friend John has recently switched his major from Computer Science to Philosophy and is discovering how interesting and joyous the field itself can be. While I cannot pick it up as a major, the things he is going over are things I have discussed and thought about my entire life. It is interesting to me that so many people are willing to accept the world as it is and not analyze and question it. I suppose there is comfort in not knowing and not caring, but not knowing and caring can be frustrating and create an immense craving for knowledge and understanding.
As of late, it seems that questions and thoughts out of the norm have piled up around me to dissect and analyze. Below is a brief glimpse of some of them merely because I have spent time just thinking about them and I wish to save the ideas some place for later analysis.
The first came to me after following a random train of thought that led me back to one of my favorite movies of all time: Meet Joe Black. (Please, if you have not seen this movie and wish to then do not read this!) While there are many things I could say about this movie, there is only one I wish to address.
Brad Pitt plays a salesman that “Death” kills and takes over his body to have a physical presence in order to examine the excellence of Bill Perish’s life. It is true that every civilization has always had some sort of myth surrounding the grim reaper — a physical manifestation of death, which this movie builds upon. However, in my view and many others, I have always thought of “Death” only as the taker of life. That is to say, he may take life from people but he may not give it. Now you could argue that since he gives Perish more time to carry on his life then he is, in a sense, bestowing more life to Perish. On the other hand, I view this more as bestowing time existing life, not creating new life itself. This is an important distinction. Ultimately this brings me to what I consider the most moving (and in my mind, controversial) part of the movie. In the end, Perish and Death walk off during the fireworks, returning to the abyss where Death resides. A minute later, as Perish’s daughter Susan (actress Claire Forlani) comes seeking them, Brad Pitt then comes back over the hill. The salesmen is back into his body — revived from death. This is controversial because, in this movie, Death can not only take life but also bestow it. This then changes who Joe Black really is; he is not the grim reaper or death, but must actually be God. This has a large impact on the rest of the movie because we can then see that God is not a benevolent and caring being, but is instead an indifferent enforcer of rules who is curious (and ultimately jealous) of what humans have. This view changes the entire tone of the movie.
Another thought was brought up while watching the end of an episode of Ergo Proxy, which Dan began rewatching lately. The episodes all end with notes explaining some of the references brought up in the previous episode. During this one in particular, Vincent and Pino become lost in a fog and Vincent enters what he believes to be a book store, but is more or less a place to visit and analyze memories. This is important because Vincent’s memory has been intentionally erased, and it is the first real step in him realizing and accepting that he is indeed a Proxy.
What I found interesting was more or less the note at the end which is briefly touched on in the episode — a reference to The Origin of Languages by Jean-Jacques Rousseau. The interesting thought is a paradox: in order to develop language, beings must be able to think, but in order to be able to think beings must have language.
This is actually a concept that several of my friends and I have talked about for years in the context of some of the games we used to play when we were world builders. Wade described something he read where a race of people did not know what love was because they did not have a word for it. Culturally, they were loveless. How can someone love without knowing what love is? Obviously this breaks down somewhere, because every day we create new words and things in this life of ours. Granted, we have an advantage in that we have a vibrant and growing vocabulary on which we build. If such a foundation did not exist, imagine how different life would be. How fortunate we are to not have to endure the pain of existence without language.
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11.17.08
Posted in General, Thoughts at 8:26 am by Nick
A lazy Sunday afternoon and night have now followed the normal shift into Monday morning. I knew full well that staying up all night was in the cards when I set no alarm going to sleep at 5am Sunday morning.Ah, that is what I had already done for the basic training; I wasn’t sure why it would be reiterated in the advanced training. But this is good news, as it means I have completed the advanced training as well.
While not the most productive of hours, I feel happy and relieved I made it through the entire anime known as Ergo Proxy. My brother did hail it as a great show, and I figured it was probably like several others where I needed to devote a significant time block to it. The disks had sat near my TV, teasing me for a few months now. Now I have watched all of them, and I can honestly say it was the second best anime I’ve ever seen. That may not mean too much since I am not a frequent anime watcher. I prefer to only watch the deeper and well written shows that focus on psychology and mentality, such as the two mentioned below.
It is very rare that anything seen on a television screen can provoke not only emotion, but true thought as well. Nearly every episode sported notes to explain some of the more central (and usually more complicated) parts of the episode you just watched. Something that got an extremely brief mention or glimpse for seconds in the show might well receive a nice large paragraph to explain it at the end. This was interesting because many of the concepts covered may not relate directly to the show, but to the Ergo Proxy writer’s allusions. This had me not only interested in the show, but I was always eager to hit the end of an episode to see what kind of information I might receive.
The show tracks three main characters as they venture on a seemingly typical anime type journey for an amnesia-ridden male to rediscover his past. However, the technological twists are very interesting in this show. The characters hail from a dome world utopia where everything is efficient and perfect. The dome is supposedly the only safe place in some sort of post-apocalyptic world. Things run amok as powerful unknown beings know was Proxy’s start to appear and the government of the dome world tries to hide their existence. Later, the characters are troubled not only by the knowledge that there is a world outside the dome, but that it is, in fact, remotely inhabited by humans. The main character, Vincent, attempts a trek across the world to see if he can find his memories in his birth place, a now ruined dome. It is later revealed that the dome world the characters hail from destroyed Vincent’s home town in a bout of revenge for some ambiguous wrong doing. Later, the eccentric and seemingly insane security chief of the dome world launches a thermonuclear missile when he is stripped of power in an attempt to eradicate the ruins the characters seek to find.
Perhaps the most interesting thing about the series is the revealing of several Proxy’s and the story behind them. As the world was destroyed (presumably by humans), “the Creators” sought to remake the world. They created Proxy’s, whose sole purpose was to rebuild the world as it healed from the previous destruction. The result is that the Proxy’s are essential God figures. Much to the dismay of most Proxy’s, they find that humans are ill-natured beings who are truly only capable of chaos and destruction. As the Proxy’s experience these failures they begin to begrudge their own existence, hating the Creators. They later realize that without souls they would have never been able to experience the love, hate, betrayal, and other feelings of their creations.
This anime comes in second to Ghost in the Shell: Stand Alone Complex/GITS:SAC 2nd Gig and the movies associated with the series (I’m clumping them into one large mass). I’ve never done more personal research or been more intrigued by anything. The show takes place in a near future cyberpunk Japan when most people have cyber brains that allow them to hook up to the net. Many of the characters in the ensemble cast have high performance prosthetic enhancements. The Major, who would be the main character of the show if it had just one, has a fully prosthetic body. This show brings up many interesting points, such as how society would function if people were literally connected to the net, the new crimes that might ensue (cyber brain hacking), and the definition of what it means to be human. The show is extremely complex, well drawn, action packed and technological. Every topic, case, and conversation is interesting and each episode is fun to watch. It is, perhaps, the best animated thing a nerd could ever watch.
The name of the show envelops the proposed answer to the question of what is human. While a person’s body may be fake, you cannot fake the soul, or “ghost”. Each ghost is unique and completely unable to be duplicated or produced. Thus, even though the Major has a fake body and her brain can (and does) get switched to other bodies, it is her ghost that remains intact. So even though they may have advanced AI machinery (such as the thinking, spider-like tanks they use throughout the shows, knows as Tachikomas), none of them can technically be living because to live essentially means to possess a ghost, which you can only obtain through life’s standard processes. This is why ghost hacking is such an important issue, because it is tampering with the very human nature of people. Imagine a world so connected that people from across the globe could delete your memories, hack what your own eyes were seeing, or even delete your ghost (which would kill you).
Interestingly enough, the Tachikoma‘s programmed curiosity and linking capabilities allowed what was supposed to be a group of identical machinery to evolve different personality traits. There is an entire episode where the tanks consider some of the greater questions of life: why they have evolved the way they have, and how each one “feels” about certain topics and outcomes. Eventually the Tachikoma’s are credited with having evolved their own ghosts due to their epic self-sacrificing gestures: first, leaving their jobs in the civilian sector after they were decommissioned to sacrifice their own physical beings to save Batou and the Major, and second, for crashing the satellite that contained their AI to prevent a nuclear detonation, which, in turn, stopped a potential war and saved the lives of their beloved coworkers.
Now, before my words and thoughts escape my rattling brain, I plan to have a flurry of posts discussing some of the topics brought up by these shows. They won’t have anything to do with anime, merely the content and thoughts proposed that I have found so interesting.
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06.21.08
Posted in General, Thoughts at 2:36 am by Nick
Why does this always happen?
It has been many months. Almost a year, actually, since it has ever been like this. Not since I lived with the guys. Dwayne and I used to sit out on the porch for entire nights just talking. I’d go on walks with Paul and discuss things. I’d go on midnight walks with Lisa, and sometimes we would bring other people. And we would actually talk about meaningful things. But that all went away…
Tell me, is it true that it is better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all? To have a taste of love is enchanting, and enlightening. But no one tells you that you can’t go back. You will miss it if it goes. If you never love at all you can’t miss it, but you don’t know how to fill that void within you.
I’ve wondered what I will miss the most. It hits me hard every time I go to McDonalds or Panera, and every time I talk to my coworkers. The evidence is everywhere. I may miss being in a relationship and having someone to hold onto, but there is something I miss more, and it takes me by surprise quite often. I miss being a dad. I miss doing stuff as a small family unit. Sure, it isn’t always fun, but its hard to find that type of satisfaction anywhere else. I will miss the little kids growing up around me. I will miss watching them learn new things. I will miss laughing and playing with them. It is yet another example of me rushing into life and being completely disappointed when it doesn’t move as fast as I would like. I have a feeling my own dad often feels this way, and this knowledge makes me deeply hurt and sad. Time only moves one direction, and thus, we move away more and more.
With that comes another realization: the faster I move the faster I get towards the end of the line. Back when school was in session I had a freshman ask me how I knew so much more then him even though we were the same age. I proceeded to tell him it was a difference of time, priority, and life events. As I think more and more, I realize the advice I give is only applicable to people like myself. I may tout many ways to get ahead in financial security, college, or other future goals, but what am I sacrificing? I know now that I would sacrifice my knowledge if it would send me back in time and give me a normal life these past few years. Talking with the other interns only makes me realize how much I have truly missed out on life in many respects.
I can’t help but wonder constantly now. It has been a while since I’ve been this curious and this thoughtful. Three hundred sixty three days together. And now… now its all over. What’s more is that the decision was made while I’m two hundred miles away from home, three hundred away from family, and isolated in a new town with a new job.
It occurred to me when I decided to buy some cigarillos and take them up to my watching post in the park – I am far along the journey back to who I used to be. Shifting from ENFJ to INTJ, the need to make sense out of everything… I don’t know if that is good or bad. I can’t help but feel that even though I am in the midst of civilization, with large towns on the horizon, people of all backgrounds and races coming and going over head, that I am alone here. There is no girl waiting for me back in Cedar Falls. There is no family there… just many friends who have slipped away in the steam of life. I have many friends at work, and a lot of resources to draw on, but when the work day is done I return to my home only to figure out what I should eat – alone. What I should do with my time – alone. I’ve never had so much time for myself.
I’m not complaining. It merely baffles me to have such a sudden abrupt change to my lifestyle. It’s the weekend and I’m at a loss. There is no computer for me to jump and check Facebook or other networking tools. I can’t call anyone to do anything. I’ve lost my interface with the world. I can sleep in, read, program, and explore. However, I don’t know where to go from here.
Something is missing. When feelings revert to this state it is obvious that something is missing. One stage of life has completed and another is beginning. I’m in transition from one meaningful experience to the next. I know this feeling. It is me being lost and losing my resolution of the future. It is me pondering existence and wondering what life will be like in a few years. Most importantly, it is me looking for something to fill this chasm I feel. I need to do something that means something to me. I’ve been thrust back into the wandering slipstream and I’m looking for something to hold on to. I watch so many people do so many great things, and I can’t help but want that as well.
I think, perhaps, when I get back to CF for good I will do two things. One, I will actively participate in more clubs. Computer Club sort of died last year, but I hope it will come about this year. I also hope to get more involved within the Economics Club. More importantly, I think I will get involved in the Big Brother, Big Sister mentor program (or its equivalent). I think it will help me evolve more as a person, and perhaps do someone else some good as well. And maybe, just maybe, it will satisfy my parental angst.
I do have some bigger decisions to make, however. I like it here, and it makes me wonder if I should work on completing my Computer Science degree as fast as possible. Dropping my second major would be a big deal, but it might be worth it. It is hard to say at this point. I’ve also considered transferring to the University of Minnesota, but that would never really happen. Most days I wish I could just work here full time and finish my degree eventually at the U of M.
Another day. Another dream.
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03.06.08
Posted in College, Computer Science, School, Thoughts at 5:50 pm by Nick
In recent times it has been very hard for me to attend class and get things done. This is due mainly to a troubling and complex family and living situation. Thus, I have decided to withdraw from two of my classes and work harder towards not marring up my academic record then I have already. Along with this, I am going to be moving during spring break.
However, I must say I am absolutely unimpressed (and disappointed) with some parts of my education. I know it may feel like an attack, but it should probably be heard. It is no news to the Computer Science program at UNI that enrollment is down and there are many people who switch majors. After talking to -many- CS majors (mostly freshman), I have decided it has little to do with the course content. If I could choose, there would be many things I would change based on my personal experience and feedback.
The first thing I would change would be our introductory courses. I know this is talked about and debated a lot. But what we have taught recently, Ada, C/C++, and Java, is a terrible choice. It is no reason our majors are running away! None of these languages are terribly user friendly for beginners. To exacerbate the problems, we thrust our students in without ever telling them what it will be used for, how it will be used, or why we use those particular languages. We don’t mention other alternatives. Why is this? Why do we not teach introductory classes with dynamic typing, like PHP or Ruby. I have never heard more complaints then about students who have no idea what the different between certain data types are. In C/C++ there are all kinds of exceptions, like using char’s as small integers, unsigned and signed, and C-style strings vs. C++ string data type. How are the students supposed to figure that all out? Ada is a language designed initially for embedded systems by the Department of Defense. That line alone is enough to scare freshman. There is nothing simple in these languages. So why do we teach them in our introductory courses? Our degree program already requires an extra Comp Sci general class. Why not save these industrial languages for them?
Students need to learn the simplest things first. These languages were not designed to be simple. Yes, if you know how to use them they are not as complicated as they first seem. But there is no reason to think a freshman in computer science, with no previous programming background, will understand the concept of passing the address of data to a function. I know several good programmers who still do not completely understand pointers. To teach the simplest thing possible, we need the language with the least amount of baggage. Something you can get using quickly, and without a lot of quirks. In C++, you need includes, a main function, knowledge of data types and operators before you can do anything. In dynamic typed interpreted language, you need basic operator knowledge, and that is all.
And yet I fear we cannot change our introductory languages because we have our two full professors teaching our introductory courses. Never mind the fact that the C/C++ students learn C, not C++. C++ comes later and is merely brushed on. I understand better then most the overlap between the languages, but there are some huge differences. I think students in the C++ section should be taught about C-style strings (that is, character arrays) but they should be taught about the more commonly used (and far more useful) STL string data type.
I strongly believe our faculty grew up when computer science was brand new. They all have fantastic and interesting stories. But this age is different. Our upcoming CS students are different. The times have changed. Computer science is no longer ‘new’, it is now ‘young’. The students will not spend all of their nights up late, huddled over their computer attempting to fix a broken program. That type of dedication is gone. It is the zeal of the new and unexplored. While there is plenty to explore in CS still, freshman will no longer be the ones doing it. We have a new computer science generation, and our program needs to realize this. We will continue to see low enrollment and a high drop rate if something doesn’t change. You cannot scare away all of the students by making them feel dumb and inferior because they cannot remember complicated syntax and expect your academic program to live.
Our introductory courses need to teach different things. Never, in any class I have taken at UNI, has a professor started out a class by mentioning why we should learn what we are learning. They have never mentioned it’s use or importance. In our introductory courses we jumped right in, delving into logical algebra and programming methods, but no one said what we needed to learn the algebra or methods for. I was lucky enough to know how to apply my skills already. Most students don’t. They have no drive because they are merely frustrated by everything they are learning. And who wants to walk up to a professor and admit they have no idea how to compute square roots using for loops? No one. And that is a big problem. I think we should promote a different way of learning. Students find it extremely hard to take program specifications and write a program from scratch. It is hard, and advanced programmers do it. Not new ones. We should develop programs for our freshman to modify, so they can see why code works and how their changes will reflect it. We should promote programming in small steps. If you write a program from scratch, it won’t work the first time. It never does. Maybe because it was late and you initialized your data wrong, or perhaps you thought through your packet filling the wrong way. Whatever the cause, if a student writes it from scratch and it doesn’t work, it is a moral failure. They aren’t used to it. They don’t understand that even the best programmers don’t write bug-free code.
Our students are not motivated. As I listen to classes, people, and friends talk about computer science, they are NEVER talking about what cool project they are working on. They don’t talk about things they are looking into, nor are they talking about things they aspire to make. They talk about how they failed to complete the homework because they had no idea where to start. They don’t have the time to work on something they are actually interested in because they spent four hours trying to fix a program that was probably never going to work the way they wrote it in the first place.
There are two things that bother me the most:
One, the fact that our major is long and requires so much math. Yes, I understand math is great. Yes, I understand we have a science degree and it will not be short because it requires training. But our degree provides no flexibility. If you want to reasonably complete it, you will work your ass off or take a more sane five year plan. I’m still unsure what is with the emphasis on math. I understand it -was- the foundation of our program. And I know it can help understanding, or expand thinking. But seriously, the last math class I technically completed was Geometry. My family life went to hell during Advanced Algebra and Trig, so I never completed the second semester, and I got a C in the first. I am not ashamed to admit this. It proves you do not -NEED- math to succeed in computer science. In fact, apart from simple arithmetic, math is largely unneeded unless you are working on math related problems. Discrete structures is a great class and very applicable. But you don’t need calculus to do it. I got an A- in it, merely missing the A by a percent or two. As a software engineer I’m pretty sure you will rarely deal with real math problems. So what is the math portion of our degree really for? Why not dump it and strongly encourage a mathematics minors? If you do the courses just right, our major is only one or two classes away from a math minor. But, of course, there is no real time to take those classes to get it if you want to graduate in four years.
And two, you never have time to work on projects that matter to you unless you are completely uninvolved on campus and jobless. Most (not all) professors are not flexible enough to allow freedom in their homework. Rarely can I think of times when I could pick homework that was interesting to me. I have gotten more then most, that is for sure. In our introductory classes, students may not know what interests them programming wise. But they certainly will not be interested in mundane examples. Not all students will want to write stuff on their own. But we should encourage them to pick homework that will relate to the topic at hand and help them do it. Everyone knows and can enjoy tic-tac-toe, and it is not hard to program, even for beginners. It demonstrates many programming techniques, such as input/ouput, array manipulation, or potentially AI or even OOD. Yet never has gaming been brought up in any of my classes, except for AI where game playing is part of the curriculum. In fact, in many of my classes, gaming is frowned upon. Never mind the fact that gaming is perhaps the easiest way to relate the material to the current students, and demonstrate any technique, be it lists, trees, arrays, classes, or OOD.
This all bugs me to the point of wanting to switch majors. I won’t, but it seems like a damn good idea. Economics is simple. They take the core of what you need and give it in eighteen hours. Then you choose eighteen more hours of education, putting what you want to learn in your hands. This gives you room in your degree to deal with bad classes, or explore things you are interested in. While I’m not saying computer science can be simplified to thirty six credit hours, I think the BS could provide far more flexibility then it does. Since we do not offer Software Engineering, nor anything else as a major, there is very little point in requiring students to pick an emphasis beyond Foundation courses. Let students take what they are interested in. They will look for jobs they are interested in, and then they will know more of what they need to know for their jobs. I have no real special interest in Information Science, it just seemed like the lesser of all of the evils that are our choices. I wanted to learn about databases, but none of the other courses seem interesting. I think the foundation courses are a good idea, but they should be expanded. Perhaps take a primary course from each section (Info Storage and Ret, Software Engineering, Networking) and put it in the foundations, then remove the emphasis requirements. This would require students to fulfill a requirement and pursue whatever path they would like without punishing them if they decide to change. Maybe students want experience in Real Time Embedded Systems, but have no interest in testing or project management. Currently, students will probably not pursue their desire to learn about real time embedded systems because they will be devoting their emphasis to something they only have one real interest in.
Note: This IS a first draft and WILL be revised.
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02.24.07
Posted in General, Thoughts at 6:13 pm by Nick
I’ve been meaning to write this post for a long time, but I’m not sure I could formulate an exact answer. It is a post that I’m almost hesitant to write as it reveals a large part of who I am. This normally isn’t a problem, but what is scary is the extreme change from who I used to be.
—
The question that spawns this post is a simple one that comes in many forms, “Why join the Army?”
I’ve never drawn more flak for anything in my entire life then joining Army ROTC. “You have so much going for you!” I’ve heard, or “that doesn’t even make sense! You don’t need it.” Some people just flat out disagree. I even drew strange looks from professors and my guidance councilor. I’ll admit, even a year ago I may not have even considered it. It wasn’t part of my life, or who I was. But then it was clear, everything lead up to it, and the opportunity fell within reach. And, though my dad may not remember or even agree with his previous words, he said, “Each man in our country should serve, it is his duty.” I disregarded it long ago, but it is important now. I see what he meant. The Veteran’s Day assembly, previously a day to acknowledge our soldiers, was now an important day to honor heroes. To honor the men and women that are truly fighting to make a difference, even if we don’t agree with a President’s war or skirmish.
I found there were two types of people: those who agreed, and those who didn’t. There wasn’t anyone who asked “Why?” before formulating their opinion. This gave me a large chunk of time to really think about it without needing to explain. But now I can explain.
Originally it was about the benefits. Tuition, books, a monthly stipend, a good job and stable future. All are things I need, especially with my family’s financial burden. But it became more then that.
With my family’s perpetual cycle of crazy illness’, Army means health. I’ve often wondered when my time would come to figure out what crazy illness I had that would render me useless. If I’m in the Army I will be in better shape to fight any illness. At the very least I would have the knowledge that I was living in a healthy way and it wasn’t part of some bad eating decisions over several years. The discipline would carry though my entire life, and I would be grateful for every skill I would learn.
So was that it? Living a healthy and stable life? No, that wasn’t it. I could do that without the Army. The Army would give me the chance to see the world, meet people I never would, and experience things I would never get to experience anywhere else. Beyond that, I would know how to defend myself, and how to defend others. If tried later in life I would be more able to handle bad situations effectively.
New experiences? All could still be accomplished without the Army, even if it was not truly the same. So what was it? I watched Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, the two hours where the helped the Marine who, while not on active duty, threw on his uniform and literally ran to the World Trade Center on 9/11 to help. No one asked him. He wasn’t being paid. He just wanted to help, because thats who he was and that was his duty. I identified with this. Early in life I was very motivated to get ahead: to make large sums of money and be successful. But it occured to me that there is more to life. Anyone with ambition can go far in this life monetarily. However, if you combine that ambition with the will to help others, and make a positive difference in this world, then I find thats a life worth living. A life I want to live. Looking at Sgt. Thomas I see the skills I wish to possess and the person I want to be. When I grow old I want to think back on my life and realize I made a difference that impacted not just the people around me, but people everywhere.
Ronald Reagan said, “Some people spend a lifetime looking for a way to make a difference in the world. Marines don’t have that problem.” I may not be a Marine, but I know the military will help me justify what I now want out of this life. An impact on life greater then myself. Previously it would have mattered that I be noticed for my achievements, but even that doesn’t matter. Each man who fought in WW II was a hero, even if we don’t know their names or their achievements.
Part of this also has to do with the sense to belong. I need to belong to something larger, something greater. I watch Band of Brother’s and I can only think about how I could only dream of following their footsteps of greatness, and how I could only hope to achieve half as much.
The men and women in the military are strong, sturdy individuals who help define this country, and I will be one of them.
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01.08.07
Posted in General, Thoughts at 11:40 pm by Nick
It is finals week. I have growing stacks of homework and responsibilities this week, and yet I chose instead to sit down tonight and write something. Anything. After four hours of contemplation and three of writing I think it is time for me to share some reflections.
Read the rest of this entry »
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12.06.06
Posted in General, Thoughts at 12:28 am by Nick
“Do I want shelter from the rain
Or the rain to wash me away”
I laid down, laptop in hand, to write this entry. With renewed interest I turned on the solacing music of Jars of Clay. Throughout the post you will find some of their meaningful lyrics. If you want the names of the song, ask Google.
Read the rest of this entry »
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11.30.06
Posted in General, Thoughts at 6:41 pm by Nick
// recent events in C++
#include < iostream >
using namespace std;
int main( )
{
Life *NicksLife = new Life( 1, 3 ); // visitations, funerals
NicksLife->visitations++;
NicksLife->funerals++;
NicksLife->MostHatedFood = Meat_Cheese_Trays;
NicksLife->CurrentBand = Skillet; // Comatose is wonderful, thanks Dwayne
NicksLife->DesiredActivitiy = Sleep;
NicksLife->Days_Until_Return_To_CF = random( 1, 8 ); // don’t know yet
return EXIT_SUCCESS;
}
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08.10.06
Posted in General, Thoughts at 4:47 am by Nick
Edit: Links fixed. Twas in a rush and then stranded internetless for many days. And I’m lazy.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow_hierarchy_of_needs
Brian recently brought this to my attention. I had previously never heard of the hierarchy (above), but it is yet another interesting subject to write about. It is one of the more optimistic psycological theories out there.
The hierarchy is relatively simple in theory. The needs towards the bottom are imparative, and once they are met a person can move on to the next set of needs. Most people are working on almost all levels simultaneously (except the top technically). Any needs that is pulled out closer to the bottom affects all above it. For example, if you cease to have access to water and food, you need to fix such a thing before you can continue with your self-esteem boosters.
All levels are basic needs except for the top. Basic needs can be met and neutralized, at which point they stop being a motivator in ones life. The top level, self-actualization and self-transcendance, is an enduring motivator. A continual search for growth, if you will.
What is self-actualization? According to Wikipedia, “Self-actualization (a term originated by Kurt Goldstein) is the instinctual need of humans to make the most of their unique abilities and to strive to be the best they can be”. Self-actualizers, according to Maslow, have the following traits:
- They embrace the facts and realities of the world (including themselves) rather than denying or avoiding them.
- They are spontaneous in their ideas and actions.
- They are creative.
- They are interested in solving problems; this often includes the problems of others. Solving these problems is often a key focus in their lives.
- They feel a closeness to other people, and generally appreciate life.
- They have a system of morality that is fully internalized and independent of external authority.
- They judge others without prejudice, in a way that can be termed objective.
Self-transcendance (also refered to as spiritual needs) is a bit different:
“Viktor Frankl expresses the relationship between self-actualization and self-transcendence in Man’s Search for Meaning. He writes:
- The true meaning of life is to be found in the world rather than within man or his own psyche, as though it were a closed system….Human experience is essentially self-transcendence rather than self-actualization. Self-actualization is not a possible aim at all, for the simple reason that the more a man would strive for it, the more he would miss it…. In other words, self-actualization cannot be attained if it is made an end in itself, but only as a side effect of self-transcendence. (p.175)”
Wikipedia states, “Maslow believes that we should study and cultivate peak experiences as a way of providing a route to achieve personal growth, integration, and fulfillment. Peak experiences are unifying, and ego-transcending, bringing a sense of purpose to the individual and a sense of integration. Individuals most likely to have peak experiences are self-actualized, mature, healthy, and self-fulfilled. All individuals are capable of peak experiences. Those who do not have them somehow depress or deny them.”
I found the whole thing interesting as it was easy to compare myself from pre-junior year to now, and how everything that has happened over the last year as changed me. Rather than going through the long series of events that pretty much ripped apart the hierarchy and put it back togeather, I’ll just note that I currently feel satisfied on every level of the hierarchy. There is always room for growth, but I do not feel a lacking in any particular area, and that is wonderful. The only shaky foundation I feel I have is overall life stability; as things relating to my mothers death clear I’m sure this will get better. Let me tell you, it takes a lot to truly get to the top, but it feels good when you get there. Things are much clearer, and often simpler.
It seems that level two (the need for self-esteem) is hard to establish for many people. This is probably because a lot of it has to do with other people. If you are looking for self-esteem help, look to your friends. Also, find something you enjoy (a hobby) and pour energy into it. Work on something meaningful to you. Upon its completion you will get a large boost in self-esteem. As you work more and more people will recognize your talent and strength.
Analyze yourself. Where do you stand?
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I’m moving back to C.F. today! I’m pretty excited to be honest. I should go pack.
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08.04.06
Posted in General, Thoughts at 5:46 am by Nick
As summer winds down I find myself looking to the future quite often. What is ahead of me these coming weeks? I don’t mean to spew more about the future and change than I already have, but I can’t help but wonder and realize what is taking place.
There will inevitably be some time in everyone’s life, a definitive moment (or several), where in one instant their world is turned upside down and inside out. Everything you know, and more, is ripped from you. You are returned to the raw, basic wandering state of consciousness. It is a time when you drift through life because you are lost and without direction. This is something I have been struggling with this summer.
Such moments may be subtle or obvious, and to varying degrees depending on the individual and circumstance. If you ever sit and analyze who you are, you know you have found one. Needless to say, I’ve found several over the last year.
It is during this aimless wandering that you realize things about yourself. You may realize your true strengths, your real weaknesses, your fears, hopes, or dreams. When you are reduced to such a primitive state, you can rebuild. For better or for worse, all you can do is rebuild. And, hopefully, with all you now know you can build a better person, a stronger person.
Unfortunately I have lost myself to a large degree. Who I was… who I used to be… he only seems to come around in very rare moments as of late. I lack the focus, the will, and the ambition I once so adamantly possessed. While I have developed in many other ways, I wish to reconcile who I am now with who I used to be. I feel like I am living in another mind.
Thus, when I return to Cedar Falls (August 10th), I am sad to say I will not be participating in activities with anyone apart from a few random moments. I need to find myself. As strange as that sounds, I need my focus back. So far I have embraced the changes my life has thrown at me this summer, and perhaps I have done so with too little resilience. My ambition, my will, and my focus are lying dormant within me and I desperately wish to awaken them.
Coming to terms with myself is something only I can do, and it may take a while. Forgive me in advance for I do not wish to ignore anyone, for I truly cherish spending time with a great many of you. But for now, my time is mine, and mine alone.
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Interestingly enough, much of what I have written about above can be seen in movies. For instance, the Dr. Mark Powell in K-PAX rethinks his entire world based off of one peculiar patient. More recently I watched V for Vendetta, in which not only did V get completely ripped down and changed, but he also helped Evey accomplish the same thing.
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