Not having someone to come home to is a major downer, but it’ll work out. In the meantime, you do have a lot of time, surely there’s something you’d like to study or develop or a new habit you’d like to cultivate? I know it doesn’t hold a candle, but it’s better than nothing, no? Maybe finish some old projects, keep yourself busy until you’re back in CF?

Sounds like you have some good plans—getting more involved in CF, maybe hang out with some old friends while you’re there?

As for feeling lost, I know the feeling. I had a lot of trouble with that my freshman year of college. But now I have a variety of plans up my sleeve for the future and I’m doing much better. I have more direction now that I’ve found CS and programming and am taking a more active role in my future.

Have a good one and drop me a line sometime,
Nick May

I honestly don’t know how to say it. I’m sorry. I know I hurt you, but I also know that I was hurting too. I struggled with the decision to let you go for weeks, after I talked to your brother who told me that he wasn’t going to tell me what to do, but when I told him I wanted to stay with you he kind of… I dunno. Didn’t seem to like that idea. Looking back on it I think that we really did move too fast. I think we wanted different things, and needed different things. I wanted to be a lot of your life, though not all of it, and going from all of it to practically nothing killed me. I don’t think that either of us was really happy with the relationship for quite some time, whether it was out of worry or anger, I’m not sure. I’m glad that you took the internship in MN, because it’s something that you needed to do to better yourself, and this was something I had to do to better me. I didn’t do this to hurt you, or to make you feel bad, and I’m not writing this now for that reason either. I just know that you don’t really want to talk about it, and that I’m not good with forming my words into sense-making conversations anyway. I really hope that you’re doing okay up there. I want you to know that you can call me (or get in touch someway) anytime you do want to talk. I’m up for it if you are. Sometimes things go wrong, and we just have to make the best out of it. Hey, it is what it is, eh? Look, I lost you because of my own choices, and I have to live with that. I do not, however, want to lose you as a friend, a voice of confidence, a shoulder to lean on, or in any other way. I want to still be here for you if you want me to be. You have my promise that you will always have a way to contact me in the chance that you want to talk to me. I will always be here, Nick. I’m sorry that I hurt you, that I gave you something like a family, something that you truly needed, and the took it away. I’m sorry that things worked out the way they did. I am not sorry though, that you have the chance at a new start. At a (when you are ready) new, healthy relationship. A chance at true happiness. I just need you to do one thing for me, and at the same time, for you. I need you to jump into something. Anything. I need you to stop looking, stop thinking. Just do something. Not everything takes planning, you can’t plan true happiness, true love, you can’t plan life. Let go. Know that you have many people who love you, who care about you (including me… this like this just don’t go away). They’ll catch you if it crashes. You’ll be okay, I trust that. You’ve made it this far, through so much hurt. I know you will make it. You’ll finish school, you’ll find someone, and you’ll make a great daddy someday. Don’t plan it. Let it happen. Let go. Just keep in touch.