12.06.06
Collapsing was much softer / Still falling always hurt
“Do I want shelter from the rain
Or the rain to wash me away”
I laid down, laptop in hand, to write this entry. With renewed interest I turned on the solacing music of Jars of Clay. Throughout the post you will find some of their meaningful lyrics. If you want the names of the song, ask Google.
“So cut below the surface and try hard not to notice
That I could be so foolish thinkin’ I’m alright
I’ve got no one to hold me, I’ve got no one to carry
Everything inside of me that I won’t let you see”
Christy asked me on the way home from my grandfather’s funeral how I would celebrate the new year. My only answer was (in jest) to “cry myself to sleep”. This year has, without a doubt, been the absolute worst year I have ever experienced. I have had some good times, some bad, and some horrorific. It is hard to convey the emotions I have felt, and will probably continue to feel for a time. It is also hard to convey the situation. But I will take a stab with a short attempt anyway.
“I’ve dammed the emotions
To keep my lanterns lit
I’m shaken by this longing
That courses through my veins
In my mind I can’t make sense of it”
Some people have questioned why I would miss a week for the death of a grandfather. Sure it sucks, but its not that out of the ordinary (apparently). Wrong. Ray Scheetz was my father in many ways, assuming the full role for a year or more around 4th grade. He taught me to shave. He gave me my first driving lesson (“I’ll pay the fine if we get pulled over, now drive”). He paid me generously for hard labor and taught me how to have a good work ethic. So, this year I did not lose one parent, I lost two. To exacerbate the situation, my other grandfather is already dead, and now I am without grandfathers.
My grandmother lost her husband and her daughter, my aunt lost her sister and her father, and the rest of my family (cousins, new husbands and fiance’s and all) gathered for several days. Such events are rare. I was happy to spend time with them, but I realize now I hold a delicate balance between two familys, two lives. One in Cedar Falls and one in Iowa City. If I spend time with one I miss time with the other and vice versa, and it seems there is no easy medium. There are types of affection and care I get in Iowa City that I can’t get in Cedar Falls, and the same is true for CF compared to IC.
“I’m waiting for the kiss
That breaks this awful spell
Pull me out
Of this lonely cell
.
.
.
And I’m still fighting for the word to break these chains
And I still pray when I look in your eyes
You’d stare right back down
Into something beautiful”
Perhaps tomorrow I will write something more profound. I have a lot bottled up, I just need to pop the cap and let it out. I can feel it.