04.01.06

A Heavy Sigh and a Dose of Reality

Posted in General at 5:19 pm by Nick

For the idea of preservation, this is copied from my Xanga.

---

I suppose an update would be nice (especially after my strange and mysterious last post). The story will creep out eventually, and its not really a secret. If it were, I would write this anyway.

For those who don’t know, my mom has been has been sick for quite a while. Sick is more of an understatement with all of the problems she had. Over the past 8 months we have been struggling to get her healthy, and really it was just too much. Her liver failed, which ultimately caused her kidneys to fail, which promotes a great many more problems.

Roughly 3:30am on Saturday, April 1st, 2006, my mother (Cynthia K. Cash) past away. However, she went peacefully.

–

This whole ordeal has been a rollercoaster of emotions. While my last post was written in fury, I’m far beyond that. The pale veil of numbness, while appart several days ago, is also gone. The weakly repaired fissure that is apparant in my soul is still strong, though a new one next to is will need mending. And even though it will eventually be mended, the painful scar will always be a reminder; and the two scars will be side by side, reminding me where I have been, where I need to go, and what I must realize:

Death is a part of life, and it cannot be avoided.

I will miss my mother more than words can describe. Despite the troubles kids always have with parents, I’m sure I had far fewer than most. Many people have said I’ve had to grow up too fast, which is true. Many more say I try to grow up too fast, which is also true. My mother realized both, and treated me accordingly. I will never have more respect for anyone than my parents, who’s troubles have been greater than anyones I have ever known, or expect to know. It is truely an honor to be their child, no matter what I have said in the past, or what i will say in the future. They will always amaze me.

Out of this there is only one outcome: to keep going. To keep moving. To keep living. To continue in this world and accomplish all that is possible. That is what she wanted.

I must reach for the stars… And someday, they will be mine.

–

I figure my family (especially my brothers) will get mad at me for posting this. “The whole world doesnt need to know!” they’ll say. But seriously, what is the problem. Won’t people notice? Will they not ask? And if they did ask, why would I not tell? This is no secret.

My only regret is that I never got to build my parents their house like I promised I would. They laughed about it, I laughed about, but I really did plan on making it. ::sigh::

And thus I end this post, holding back tears, with that large lump in my throat that keeps me from speaking. I have nothing more to say.

---

—————- other post —————-

---

Fuck this. Fuck it all. ::sigh::

–update–

You know, why can’t my family just get a break for once. There is another matter, despite the obvious one, of which I speak. But seriously, haven’t we had enough? Why? Why? My mind ponders the question constantly, and yet I still don’t get it. The past is painful, the present is painful, and the future will no doubt be pretty fucking painful. What is it with this world? Is it something sick and twisted, meant only to inflict pain upon its inhabitants?

I know that in order to understand happiness, one must understand true pain. To understand life’s purpose (which is quite dubious), one must go through hardship. But after a time, isn’t that enough? Is it not enough to realize the truth about this world, or at least attempt to understand it? Is it not enough to care about people and things close to your heart? Is it not enough to admit you are not strong enough?

On another note, I thought I was prepared. But how can you possibly be prepared for someone to tell you your mother is going to die? The answer is you cant. No matter how strong you think you are, you will crumble.

And I, my friends, have crumbled.

---

“There can be nothing said over tragedies that can reconcile one’s soul besides the bearer of the ill fated sadness… they will one day learn to live and bare with it.”
~CGW/Lhur

Permalink